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Ella-Mae's story  








The day mummy &  daddy met, 24th August 05, was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I knew when i first met him that he was the one!! Daddy already had 3 sons, who i met quite quickly, we got on so well. I had had 4 miscarraiges in the past & wanted at somepoint to have a family of my own. Daddy so wanted to have his girl to make our family complete.



We decided in October last year to get a house together,  although this was quite quick, i had no doubt in my mind that daddy & i were meant to be.
In November i came off the coil & in December i became pregnant with you. Although it was a shock that i concieved so quickly we were ecstatic. I woke daddy up from his bleary eyed sleep as i had got up early to do  the test & i couldn't wait any longer to break the news.
According to my LMP you were due 19th September 06.



I had been sick right from the start, this turned into hyperemisis at 6 weeks, sick was not the word!! I started getting pelvic pain at 5 weeks & was admitted into hospital to be monitored & to have a scan. The doctors thought that i might have had an ectopic pregnancy, i was so scared. But then i had my scan & i could see a sac in my womb, although as i was early in gestation they couldn't see the egg. The next week i had another scan, which daddy came to for the first time, & there was you, you looked as though you were a tiny dot.

At 8 weeks i started to bleed, this happened on & off for a further 3 weeks & i was so scared i was going to lose you. I was yet again sent for another scan, you now looked like a kidney bean.

At 12 weeks daddy & i saw you properly at your dating scan. You were due on 14th September 06. We bothed looked in awe as you jumped around all over the place. I realised at that scan how much i really loved you.



Daddy & i would then start to buy items of neutral coloured clothing & your pram etc. I had a really strong feeling that you were a girl & i bet daddy that i was right. It wouldn't have mattered either way but for some reason i have always had a strong connection to girls, i secretly hoped.

At 13 weeks pregnant i was readmitted to hospital as i was suffering from dehydration caused by my hyperemisis. I was put on a drip & was sent for another scan to see that you were growing ok because of my sickness. I was shocked that within a week you had grown so much. I got daddy a scan picture as he was not able to attend the scan.
Although still suffering right up to the day that you were born with sickness i felt alot better in myself & started looking forward to my next scan at 22 weeks. It was at this scan that daddy & i found out you were a girl. We were so happy, daddy went outside & had a few tears.Although he would never admit that, he'd say " where did that gust of wind come from?". You know what we'd say don't you Ella-Mae!!
But you were a pickle then weren't you baby girl, tucking your legs in so the sonographer couldn't check your leg measurements & see what sex you were. " one more try " she said after the 4th attempt. It wasn't until she tipped the bed right up so i was almost on my head that you decided to move. Bet you were having a chuckle!!


I was starting to look forward to going to antenatal classes with daddy in June. I met several friends who were almost the same gestation as me along the way, Marie (due a week before you were due in September)  & Gemma ( who now has baby Maisie). We used to hang out & talk baby things!











Nearing your birth...  





Your big brothers were getting excited about you being born, after a slight apprehension by Jacob (as he would no longer be the baby!) Even Jacob would talk about his soon to be baby sister at school. Aiden would ask me questions about my pregnancy & took an interest on how you were growing etc. Joshua would like to come shopping with me & help choose items for you. I was so pleased that we would all be one big family & you would be daddy's longed for baby girl. We decided quite early on that you were to be called Ella-Mae Theresa Joy Gleed. the name theresa is mine, my mums & grandma's middle name & Joy is daddy's mums name ( and so apt!!)













This picture was made by a dear friend Sheryl, mummy to Alison Hannah.





































We decided to have a weeks holiday with the boys, although we changed are plans from visiting my dad in Brixham, Devon due to the sickness & swelling in my feet, the journey would not be a comfortable one as it would have took us 10 hours. Knowing you also didn't like car journeys, as you played me up by kicking around, i knew that you would not be happy. We decided to go to a local holiday park to just relax & for your brothers to have fun. We spent alot of time swimming, playing bingo, bowling & watching cabarets. I felt really chilled out, although my feet swelled even more. I decided that the day i came home i would make a doctors appointment. But surely it was quite normal to have swelling in my feet, ankles & hands after all i was 23 weeks pregnant by then.

I turned out that this was not normal at all & on arrival at the doctors the doctor was stunned that my blood pressure was 140/90. This was taken 5 times just incase it was wrong. I was yet again admitted to James Paget hospital. I was kept on bed rest & had my blood pressure monitored regularly. I had a slight headache but nothing out of the ordinary. I was sent home after 4 days.

A week later i had an appointment to see my consultant at ADAU, my blood pressure was taken again & bloods were done. I had all the symptoms of pre-eclampsia. But surely not as it doesn't normally occur until 30ish week gestation. ( It turns out that i don't follow the rule book!!)
I was readmitted yet again & this time the tears flowed, i knew how dangerous pre-eclampsia can be for both you & for me. I had yet another scan that showed that you were growing ok. I was strapped on to yet another machine & told that i may have to stay in hospital until i had you. I resigned to the fact that was the best place for us. My consultant even suggested that i may have to go to Queen Charlotte's in London as they specialise in bloods etc.
The next day i took a turn for the worst i started getting pain around my liver area, my headaches were getting alot worse & they were unable to control my blood pressure (even with medication). I was given oxygen which helped me a little.
Over night i got alot worse & was admitted on to central delivery suite. Within moments i realised the severity of my state & was warned that an ambulance was on its way to take me to Norfolk & Norwich hospital, they were going to have to give me an emergancy caesarian to enable you to have a 50/50 chance of survival. But how can this be? You were only 25 weeks gestation, i was so scared.
Daddy came back from work & held my spirits up. 
I had a catheter inserted & was hooked up to blood pressure monitors & on oxygen. I was taken to N&N by ambulance on blues & twos as daddy followed behind in his car.
Whilst in the ambulance i started to lose conciousness & my blood pressure hit 220/140. All i could hear were my midwife, consultant & ambulance driver say "step on it".





Arrival at Norfolk & Norwich hospital  











By the time i got to the hospital i had come round but i had a banging headache.
I was wheeled onto central delivery suite & no less than 8 people, consultants, midwives etc entered the room. They tried to put a canula in me to no avail as the pre-eclampsia had made me so odemic & all my veins had shut down. The only way was to put a central line in my neck down to my heart. This made me quite poorly to start with but in the end was a god-send. After being infused with drugs to help my blood pressure down it steadied.
I was told that i would be left until the next day as i was stable.
Daddy stayed the night in my room on a camp bed. He looked a pretty picture when the nurses came in to do my obs in the night.
My consultant came around in the morning & warned me that i was to have an emergancy caesarian that afternoon. Because i was so poorly i didn't realise the extent of my condition, all i could hear was that you only had a 50/50 chance of survival. I thought that if i could hold on just one more week now that i was stabilised on drugs you might have more of a fighting chance. The consultant & daddy were more concerned for my safety, i couldn't understand it, i just wanted you to survive. So it was taken out of my hands & daddy had to sign the paperwork to enable us both to have the chance of survival. I had 2 steroid injections to help your lungs.

Daddy went to Yarmouth to collect Auntie Marie ( mummy's best friend) she was meant to be my second birthing partner if all went well. Don't think she was expecting it this soon though, 15 weeks early.
It was decided that despite daddy not ever attending any of your big brothers births that he was going to sit with me whilst i had you, so i was prepped for a spinal block. Daddy doned his green scrubs, hmmm sexy!!
Auntie Marie paced the floor like an expectant father.
I put your little bunny in your incubator & i held on for dear life to your pink blanket. I just kept thinking that if i put my mummy scent on the blanket then you will recognise it.

After lots of tugging & pulling you were born at 1.20pm on 8th June. Daddy & i just stared at each other, you made a kitten cry, we just weren't expecting that. I was shown you briefly, you were so tiny. You were whisked off to NICU, midwife Aly went with you, that meant so much to me. I was closed up & i was in recovery for a couple of hours, daddy met up with Marie & went to see you in NICU. I was given a photo of you, the love i felt as i looked at your photo was imeasurable.


I was taken back to CDS, daddy & Marie came in with a balloon, a fabric flower that says "to a wonderful mum xx". I thought my heart was going to burst with pride.
Daddy contacted all the family & friends to tell them that i had my baby girl. We were so chuffed, we grinned from ear to ear.
My blood pressure had now gone back to normal, now the placenta was removed.
Daddy took Marie home & i tried to have a sleep, i think i spent more time looking at the photo to be honest. I was desperate to see you but because of the spinal block i was not allowed out of the bed.
But by 3am i was becoming really destressed, everybody else had seen my baby girl apart from me. I was so concerned that somebody was going to come in & tell me that she was poorly or that she had passed away.
I rang my buzzer in tears, as daddy slept on... the midwife came & arranged that i was to be taken down to see my baby girl. Daddy was woken up, he said "what now!?" " Yes now", the midwife & i chorused. So off we trundled, Daddy opening the doors, a midwife & 2 porters to push my huge bed & all the equipment, which coonsisted of a blood pressure monitor, 2 drips, my catheter & my central line. It was like something out of a comedy show, they had to move half the furniture out of NICU to enable us to get in.
There you were in the far corner, now on CPAP, kicking your little legs around. I opened the side door to talk to you. You were absolutely perfect & so beautiful. Your eyes were fused shut still, but you knew i was there. I started talking to you & you let out your little kitten cry & held my finger. My tears were flowing by then. I was so proud. I was taken back to my room so we could all get some rest.
















 The next day your consultant Mr Dyke came in & said that you were doing so well & i would be able to start expressing my milk for you today. Wow, i did well!! I started off by expressing 15mls but ended up on my 4 th attempt with 45mls. I knew this would be good for you, & i would be helping you by giving you my milk.
I went down to see you in a wheel chair today. I got chatting to another mother who had her baby in NICU, it turned out that she had had twins but one of her twins had died & the other twin was poorly & was waiting for an operation. I couldn't take it in, i was still delirious. I couldn't imagine the pain that she must have been going through.
You  had a little problem with jaundice so you were put under the ultra-violet light, other than that the consultant said that you were doing great & all the nurses were in awe of you, you were the smallest baby in NICU at 640g (1lb 5oz), but you were a fighter.
You had massive hands & feet. Just like your big brother Josh. I started calling you "tinkerbella".
The next day i was taken on to the maternity ward but given a side room. Daddy wasn't able to stay with me anymore, god i missed him. He brought your brothers & Nanny & Grandad in to see you. 




























Thankyou to everybody that sent beautiful cards, presents & flowers for Ella-Mae's birth.
Her cards & presents are kept in her treasured memory box & i frequently look at them, they give me some peace.












This is the dove of peace.... please feel free to use it on your own websites for its memory to live on.



This beautiful candle was made by Julie, mummy's SANDS friend.
Thankyou so much!!









This picture was made with love from our dear friend Sheryl ( Alison Hannah's mummy)




































These beautiful pictures were made by Sheryl.. a very kind, sweet lady that im glad to call a friend.

www.geocities.com/mummy2alison/angelfriends.html 





These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
Never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant,
for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on mommy's heart.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we’ll NEVER truly part.














xxx All my love little one, mummy xxx






































































My angel has wings!  






Daddy was due back the next day at about lunchtime with your brothers & Nanny & Grandad before they went home. I had expressed my milk 3 hourly in the night so i took the bottles down to NICU at 10am.
I was told that you had a little trouble in the night with your breathing so you were put on trigger CPAP for a little while to give you a rest. I could cope with that as we were warned that you would have minor set backs. You had done so well for 3 days, it was to be expected.
Your midwife asked me if i would like to help with your care & change your nappy today. To be honest, im a nursery nurse, but i didn't know where to start with you as there were so many tubes & wires & you were so fragile that i said i would just watch this time. 
Your bowels were working well! Must be my milk.
I sat with you for a while until i was called back to the ward as the doctor had come to see me.
I had some lunch & was going to head off with another bottle of milk for you when i got a call from NICU saying that i was needed as you were having a little trouble breathing. Now i was in shock, my worse nightmare was coming true & where was your daddy when i needed him.
I realised that it was time to say goodbye to you, not before Daddy got here though surely. when i got through to Daddy he just thought that you were having a bad day. He was on his way.
I went back onto NICU to find that you were being resusitated, my world came crashing down then! They were putting so much pressure on your chest, i wanted to yell at them. Mr Dyke said that as they had been resusitating for 20 minutes they would have to stop.
All the tubes were taken off of you at 1.28pm on 11th June. You were placed in my arms, a screen was put around us, & i told you to stop fighting & to go peacefully. My heart was breaking but i had to be strong & take in your last moments.

You died in my arms at 1.30pm. I was reassured that you weren't in any pain as you had had morphine, but you were seeping blood from your mouth. Everybody including your consultant were shocked at this turn of events as you were doing so well & there was no apparent reason as to why this would have happened.
I walked out of NICU with you in my arms wrapped in a blanket to the bereavement room. I was willing daddy to hurry, it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. Jacqui, your nurse, came with me & took some photos of you.
 Daddy came tearing into the room, he was beside himself. We held you & cried together. Nanny & grandad, Josh, Marie & Antonio were there as you were baptised. Everybody said goodbye to you including Aiden & Jacob. Daddy & i were left alone with you to collect our thoughts.
Jacqui helped us with photos, hand & footprints, lock of your hair. Then i bathed you & changed you into a beautiful pink flowery dress & pink cardigan. You had a moses basket brought into our room but you spent much of the time wrapped in your pink blanket & laid in mummy's & daddy's arms.
You  spent the next 24hrs with us, i couldn't imagine giving you up. In those 24 hrs i tried to prove what a good mummy i would be to you. I love you so much!!
We arranged with Pat the hospital chaplin to have you buried in our local cemetry & for Pat to take the service. Pat became a great friend to us! The date of the funeral was to be 7th July, Daddy & i had planned to get married on 7.7.07. This date was so poignant. We had to wait for so long as you had to have a post-mortem.
We said goodbye to you & we left the hospital on 12th June. My heart was breaking.















The aftermath!  






Nothing is ever to be the same again! How was i to cope without my baby girl!?
One of the most precious things in my life had been take away from us & part of our hearts went with her on the day that she grew her wings.
Everybody showed their remorse & was like a rock to Barrie & i when we needed them, but it doesn't take the pain away.
Barrie & i are also grieving at differant rates & my health has only just got back to normal. I spent several more stays in hospital after we lost our Ella-Mae so Barrie ended up having to care for me too.
I would lie in bed at night & sob for the loss of my little princess.
We dressed our baby in a beautiful white premature dress that Barrie's auntie Linda had sewed some burgandy rose buds on, aswell as her hairband & socks. This is so she would be dressed for our wedding on 7.7.07. I always dreamed of Ella-Mae wearing a bridesmaid dress with burgandy rose buds on.




This beautiful picture was made by Sheryl from SANDS, Alison Hannah's mummy.



The day of her funeral over 50 people attended, it showed how much she was thought of & loved by so many. We had the wake at our local pub.


We asked for donations instead of flowers for NICU, for all the help & love they gave to Ella-Mae, Barrie & i when we needed them most.
We are now waiting on the results of the postmortem, i hope that we might be able to get some answers.
Im going to have some bloods taken on 1.8.06 to see if i have Lupus antibodies in my blood. On 10th August i have an appointment with my consultant in which i have many questions to be answered.









Update....  

We had the results of Ella-Maes's postmortem... it showed that she had respitory stress syndrome caused by extreme prematurity, it was pretty inconclusive as she was doing so well. It seems that she just fought too hard for the three precious days we had her.

Premature babies, especially those born at less than 32 weeks of pregnancy and weighing less than 3-1/3 pounds, often develop respiratory distress syndrome (RDS). About 40,000 babies develop RDS each year.

Babies with RDS have immature lungs that lack a chemical mixture called surfactant, which keeps the small air sacs in the lungs from collapsing during breathing. They do not get enough air in and out of their lungs. Since 1990, widespread use of surfactant treatment has greatly reduced the number of babies who die from RDS and has greatly decreased the severity of RDS in survivors. However, about 1,200 babies a year still die in the neonatal period due to RDS



We handed the donations over to NICU & we collected £260. I hope this helps other premature babies in the name of Ella-Mae.
Many thanks to...

Marie & Antonio
Fred & Margaret Mitchell
GFS Platform nursery
Claydens
Gwen & Bob
Helen Hicks
Jacqui Thomas
Joe & Linda Last
Sally & Bob
Caroline & Andy
Sara & Stef
Eric & Sylvia
Sharmaigne
Jennifer Long
Brian Shurley




We would also like to thank Kathy & An for the beautiful rose bush.
Dad & Audrey for the beautiful wreath they sent for the funeral on Ella-Mae's special day.
Marie & Antonio for the posy, Fred & Margaret for the rose, Jacqui at NICU for the rose.
Margaret & Gemma for the beautiful knitted angel that has taken proud position of our living room.
Gemma for the little piggy that went in Ella-Mae's resting box.
All of the cards & presnts are now kept in Ella-Mae's memory box & they give me great comfort as it shows how much she was loved & by so many.

Barrie & i would like to thank all our friends, family & well wishers for giving your support at such a traumatic time for us!
A big thankyou goes to Pat (ella-Mae's chaplain), you made our road a little smoother. You are a great friend to us.
Thankyou to Mr Dyke for your care, compassion & your time.
Thankyou Mr Fraser for caring for me whilst i stayed in Norfolk & Norwich.
Jackie (ella-Mae's nurse), who went "through" it with us... You were our rock!!
Stephanie & Elaine, my two fabulous midwives who taught me how to live again.

I personally would like to thank everybody i have met through SANDS, you have all been a life line for me & with out your support i would find it very difficult to go on.


But most of all i would like to thank my fantastic, beautiful, kind hearted man for giving me such a beautiful daughter. The wonderful memories that we hold dear in our hearts. Without you sweetheart there is no meaning to life. xxxxxx








Its Ella-Mae's estimated due date today... 19.9.06

A very hard day for both Barrie & i. We should have been in the labour suite today... But the best we could do for our little girl was to release some balloons for her at her graveside.
I bought 3 pink balloons from her brothers & wrote on each of them. The boys were not with us to release there own balloons so we did it in their name.
Barrie & i released a baby girl balloon.
Ella-Mae is our little treasure & is always to be remembered.













Xmas....  



Ella-Mae's 1st xmas....










With love from Sheryl (SANDS)



My Valentine Girl....  
To our special girl on Valentines Day...









All our love sweetheart...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mothers Day.....  



Mothers Day for us will be very hard indeed
As we long for our special babies
The ones we did conceive

But we are special Mummy's
Our Angels will agree
They will be wth us on that day
Although we will not see

I often sit and wonder
Well am I still a mummy?
Of course I am and so are you
We grew a special Baby in our tummy

Yes on that day we'll need a hug
Reassurance they are here
But let me tell you special Mummy's
They love us and are near

Love and Hugs to all you special Mummy's

Bex xx 










With Love from Bev Bax,
precious Harvey's mummy xxxx


HAPPY EASTER....  
HAPPY EASTER PRINCESS....







Mummy & Daddy miss you so much sweetheart...
You are always on our minds & forever in our hearts. xxxx









HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY PRINCESS  


ONE YEAR OLD TODAY....




















Beautiful birthday present from Aunty Katrina, mummy of precious Yasmin




 





Little brother Rowan by your side on your special day....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


















Happy Fathers Day...  



Happy Daddy's day today...

Your daddy misses you very much, especially today. Please stay close precious girl...


















Happy Father's day my Daddy,
from your Angel up above,
I'm looking down on you today,
and sending you my love.
I know you still miss me,
deep inside your heart,
and if I had a choice,
we would never be apart.
I know you wish you could have changed things,
and have me there with you,
to keep mommy from crying,
I know anything you would do.
But I'm with the Father Daddy,
and he rocks me in his arms.
He tells me all about you,
and keeps me safe from harm.
He tells me someday we will be together,
never again to be apart,
and I know until I see you then,
I will be inside your heart.

I love you so much daddy
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Wa ve of light  



Love Auntie Bev & family


HAPPY HALLOWEEN  





Love Auntie Bev & Family xxx










Poems Barrie & i chose for Ella-Mae's funeral....  






No little hands to hold

No little hands to hold, no tiny feet to stroke
No downy head to rest my lips, no tiny form to rock.

No cradle in the room, no cry to break the night
No mouth to suckle food from me, or gaze me in the eye.

My arms feel, oh, so empty, my aching heart does too
i longed to get to know you, and be a mum to you.

But now you are in heaven, my angel looking down
you should know how much i love you
in this world of peace you have found.

But oh, how do i miss you, my little miracle of life

My light, my love, my heavenly dove,
my heart, my joy, my song
you touched my life with beauty,
though you weren't here very long

Your parting left me filled with hurt, confusion, sorrow, pain
and though the light you brought still shines
the sadness will remain.

I do not hold you in my arms, you do now see me cry
though in my heart you gave me hope, as the days went by
I haven't said goodbye to you, for i know i'll see you yet
in heavens perfect peace & grace
till then we won't forget.

























Help us understand....  

Gods lent child

I'll lend you for a little while
a child of mine god said
for you to love for while she lives
and mourn for when shes dead.
It may be six or seven weeks
or thirteen years or three
but will you, till i call her back
take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you
and should her stay be brief
you'll have her lovely memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay
since all from earth return
but there are lessons "taught" down there
i want this child to learn.

And there, with you on earth,
this child of mine i'll lend
for many souls that she will touch
with lessons i will send.
I looked the whole world over
in my search for people true
and from the throngs that crowd life's way
i have selected you.

Now, will you give her all your love
nor think the labour vain
nor hate me when i call around
to take her back again?
I fancy that i hear you say
"dear lord, your will be done"
for all the joys this child has brought
all fateful risks we run.

We sheltered her with tenderness
we love her while we may
and for the happiness we've known
we shall for ever grateful stay.
But you came round to call for her
much sooner than we'd planned
Dear lord, forgive this grief
and help us understand.




PLEASE....  

PLEASE don't ask me if im over it yet
i'll never be over it
PLEASE, don't tell me that she's in a better place
she isn't here with me
PLEASE don't say at least she isn't suffering
i haven't come to terms why she had to suffer at all
PLEASE don't tell me you know how i feel
unless you have lost a child
PLEASE don't ask me if i feel better
bereavement isn't a condition that clears up
PLEASE don't tell me god never gives us more than we can bear
PLEASE,  just say that you are sorry
PLEASE, just remember my child if you do
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child
PLEASE, mention my child's name
PLEASE, just let me cry.



What my child taught me.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't,
I've learnt that learning to forgive takes alot of practice,
I've learned that friends can became strangers & strangers can become friends.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion,
I've learned that some people will never, ever- "get it".
I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.
I've learnt that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken away too soon.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words
it may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have spent with someone.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words, but so is love ...





Would you let me talk about my baby that died?
Would your heart be open to all the sadness that’s still inside of me?
Would you listen as I would tell you of the joy she gave to me?
Would you want to hear about her sweet beautiful, perfect face,
The toes and fingers that were all there?
Would you change the subject when I told you about her baptism shortly after she died?
That they took off all the wires and tubes and that her life truly was coming to an end
Would your face change when I told you that in my arms, she died?
Would you get up and walk away from me if I just had to tell you more?
About the perfection I held in my arms for such a very, very short time.
The tears I cried could have made a river as I had to let her go
Would you help to wipe away the tears as I told you more?
About the years she’s travelled with me in my heart and in my mind
Would you hug me and just listen about the pain that I endured
Would you just be there quietly open to all the feelings I may need to express?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you have passed the test
So many others could have failed and I would be alone, with no friend to share my precious daughter’s life. I can’t and won’t forget her and I need to be able to talk about her. She is very real and precious to me. And you just passed the test




















Poem written for Daddy...

My Daddy calls me "princess"
i know he loves me so
you see, i was his first born girl
and only he would know...

How hard it was to say "goodbye"
to me, who he loves so dearly
it breaks my heart to see him cry
but daddy i want you to know
i love you so sincerely.

Daddy, im sad i got taken too soon
three precious days we had
but daddy im always in your heart
and the thoughts that are in your head.

I love you so much daddy,
i just want you to know,
i watch you from the clouds above
and see the tears that flow.










My Child

On the day God took you 
i thought that i would die
i wondered where the time went?
I asked alot of whys??
With people all around me
i felt alone inside
from all their words of comfort
i couldn't seem to hide.
I thought i might be dreaming
that i'd wake and find you here,
i thought "this can't be happening"
As i wiped another tear.
On the day that you were laid to rest
my heart broke yet again,
i wondered if the pain would end.
But mostly i wondered when??
It's hard to be without you,
at times the days seem long,
sometimes i just sit crying,
when there is really nothing wrong.
I wish we'd had more time,
before your life was done.
I hope your resting peacefully
my precious little one.



Broken Chain

We little knew that morning,
God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
you did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again



IF TEARS COULD BUILD A STAIRWAY
AND MEMORIES WERE A LANE
I WOULD WALK RIGHT UP TO HEAVEN
TO BRING YOU HOME AGAIN
NO FAREWELL WORDS WERE SPOKEN
NO TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
YOU WERE GONE BEFORE I KNEW IT
AND ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY
MY HEART STILL ACHES WITH SADNESS
AND SECRET TEARS STILL FLOW
WHAT IT MEANT TO LOSE YOU
NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW"
Anonymous 





I'm Everywhere


Please don't mourn for me I'm still here,
though you don't see I'm right by your
side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay
My body is gone but I'm always near
I'm everything you feel, see or hear
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart
I'll never wander out of your sight
I'm the brightest star on a summer night
I'll never be beyond your reach
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond
The clear cool water in a quiet pond
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in spring
The first warm raindrop that April will bring
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine
And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine
When you start thinking there's no one to love you
You can talk to me through the Lord above you
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees
And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face
Just look for me, I'm everyplace...


May God Bless You!! 




God saw that you were getting tired,
And a recovery was not to be.
So he put His arms around you
And whispered, "Come home with me."
With tearful eyes, we watched you suffer
And saw you fade away.
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating:
A determined spirit is at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

Unknown
 




Hi Daddy Hi Daddy, its me,

Your baby girl in the sky.

Won't you tell me Daddy, Why does my mommy cry?

Doesnt she know I'm happy here,

Heaven's a beautiful place Oh, how it hurts me, Daddy

To see tears streaming down Mommy's face.

Daddy, tell her I'm much better here,

Jesus fixed my heart. But when I see mommy crying, It just about tears it apart.

I know it hurt you both, Daddy, When Jesus took me away.

But you and mommy remember, We'll be together again someday.

I can't wait to hug you, I never got the chance before. When its time for you to come, I'll be waiting at heavens door.

Then you'll both understand, Jesus knew where I needed to be.

What a marvelous place to live, Just wait and you both shall see.

Please let my Mommy know, Daddy,

That I heard every word she said. And I remember her softly kissing me As I lay cuddled in her arms.

Just one more thing Daddy, Before I have to go, I love you both very much And just wanted you to know. 




It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too. 



Grief

Deep sobs that start beneath my heart and hold my body in a grip that hurts

The lump that swells inside my throat brings pain that tries to choke.

Then tears course down my cheeks

I drop my head in my oh so empty hands abandoning myself to deep dark grief

and know that with the passing time will come relief

That though the pain may stay there will soon come a day when i can say your name & be at peace.




The Cord

We are connected, my child and I,
by an invisible cord not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us at birth
this cord can't be seen by anyone on earth

This cord does its work right from the start
It binds us together attached to my heart

I know that it's there though no-one can see
the invisibe cord from my child to me

The strength of this cord it's hard to describe
It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied

It's stronger than any cord man could create
It withstands the test, can hold any weight

And though you're gone, though you're not here with me
the cord is still there but no-one can see

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore
but this cord is my lifeline as never before

I am thankful that God connects us this way
A mother and child, death can't take it away !

Author Unknown 




The Seashore Breeze

When walking along the shore,
with the breeze upon your face,
there's someone whispering to you,
from a far away place...
Listen very carefully
then, you will hear,
a little girls sweet giggle
telling you she'
So close your eyes & listen,
dig your toes into the sand
& don't be shocked or startled 
as she takes you by the hand.
You will feel your spirits rising,
lifting to the sky,
look into your daughters eyes
& realise you can fly!
You soar around together
laughing very loud.
You hug & kiss each other
then settle on a cloud.
"ive missed you so much mummy
& my daddy too,
I still have daddy's chin,
but i really look like you.
Im sorry i had to leave you
I couldn't win the fight.
I come & kiss the family
when you sleep at night".
Then you'll wake upon the sand
your body feels at ease,
you can feel Ella run through you
along the seashore breeze.

From a dear SANDS friend Claire Thorpe
& mummy to Ellie.

www.freewebs.com/elliesmum 


Angel Playground

MY MUMMY IS SPECIAL
I HOPE YOU WILL AGREE
WE SHARED A SPECIAL BOND YOU SEE
DID MY MUMMY AND ME

SHE SANG TO ME IN HER TUMMY
WHICH SENT ME FAST ASLEEP
SHE’D OFTEN TELL ME ALL THE THINGS WE’D DO
ONCE WE GOT TO MEET

BUT NOW EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED
I SEE MUMMY LOOKING SAD
ALL HER PLANS GONE WRONG
EVERYDAY SHE FEELS SAD

IV’E MET ALL THE OTHER ANGELS
TOGETHER WE DO PLAY
RING A RING A ROSES
IS WHAT NYAH LIKES TO PLAY

ELLA-MAE’S THE PRINCESS
DRESSED UP IN PINK AND WHITE
THEN SHE SWAPS WITH ELLIE
THEY THINK IT’S ONLY RIGHT

JOSHUA AND LOUIS THEY PLAY HIDE AND SEEK
THEY RUN AROUND TOGETHER
THEIR FACES NEVER BLEAK

OLIVIA, SHADHA AND ROSIE PLAY DRESS UPS TO LOOK LIKE THEIR MUMS
AND RYAN, TEDDY AND TYLER
PLAY COWBOYS ALL DAY LONG
WE HAVE A LOT OF FUN YOU SEE
MY SPECIAL ANGEL FRIENDS AND ME

SO MUMMIES PLEASE DON’T BE SAD
WE ARE WITH YOU ALL THE TIME
THAT SPECIAL BOND WE’V ALWAYS SHARED
WILL BE FOREVER YOURS AND MINE
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

This beautiful poem was written for all our angels by a very dear friend Bex, also another special mummy, to Kyron.
xx Bless you sweetheart...xx

kyron-ginger.memory-of.com 



http://www.geocities.com/miscarriagesoflove/babyhandshead.jpg

" There You'll Be "

When I think back on these times
and the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad cause I was blessed
to get to have you in my life

When I look back on these days,
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
In my dreams I'll always see
you soar above the sky

In my heart there'll always be
a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be.....

Faith Hill


Ella-Mae's angel friends....  









harvey-bax.memory-of.com
www.kori-hubber.memory-of.com

benjamin-stewart.gonetoosoon.co.uk
www.jessica-szydelko.memory-of.com
www.paige-leigh.memory-of.com
www.geocities.com/mummy2alison/angelfriends.html
www.ashleigh-elton.memory-of.com
www.jadyn-snell.memory-of.com
 
http://caleb-and-carter-eskridge.memory-of.com/ 
www.freewebs.com/amieeandhayleysplace 
www.gregory-laginskie.memory-of.com
www.freewebs.com/cehughes86/




www.benjamin-thomas-brett-garrett.memory-of.com
www.jessica-bailey.memory-of.com
www.cadyrene-bestall.memory-of.com
www.melissal.co.uk 
www.freewebs.com/kelsangel
www.freewebs.com/elliesmum
uk.geocities.com/aliceany...hero.html
http://nicky-white.memory-of.com
www.scottmccorquodale.gonetoosoon.co.uk
naima-phillipsmaund.memor...about.aspx 
www.totsites.com/tot/coreyzach
www.freewebs.com/angelsmummy 
shadha-louise-airey.gonetoosoon.co.uk/ 
www.freewebs.com/libbie6





www.freewebs.com/ameliasmummy/index.htm

louis-felix-mcbride.memory-of.com/
http://www.joseph-bartholomew.memory-of.com/About.aspx
sonny-wilson-1967-2002.memory-of.com
jennifer-hope.memory-of.com
www.kayla-walters.memory-...About.aspx
 www.riley-herbertevans.memory-of.com 
www.joshuahays.co.uk 
http://www.jessica-marsh.memory-of.com/ 
www.freewebs.com/mummysangel
http://kyle-glazier.memory-of.com.
www.walmersley.demon.co.uk 
megan-amanda-shaw.gonetoosoon.co.uk
baby-bob.gonetoosoon.co.uk






http://albie-turner12805.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://john-cavote.memory-of.com/ 
reece-christopher-rooney.memory-of.com/ 
http://babydylan-royce-souppouris.memory-of.com/about.aspx
http://www.oscar-avery.memory-of.com/About.aspx
http://rememberedbyus.com/JackMichaelMcGoldrick/
http://www.freewebs.com/kelsangel/ellisangelfriends.htm
http://joshua-stevensonhays.memory-of.com/
http://www.totsites.com/tot/babybailey
poppie-whittle.memory-of.com/about.aspx
zara-canavci.gonetoosoon.co.uk/ 
olivia-langley.memory-of.com 
corrin-latimer.memory-of.com 
kyron-ginger.memory-of.com 
www.siobhan-bryantmillar.memory-of.com 
alan-sturgeon.memory-of.com 
joshua-hicks.memory-of.com 
http://www.rosie-louise.memory-of.com 
kezia-ohalloranclark.memory-of.com
http://miajacquelinewhite.lovedforeternity.com
http://nyah-kate-lintern.gonetoosoon.co.uk 
http://robert-thomas-stevenson.gonetoosoon.co.uk/ 
http://shauna-louise-dace.gonetoosoo...k/my_index.php











As you have passed by please light a candle for our little princess & take a look at Ella-Mae's treasured friends she is making along her way!!











Please spare a thought for all the other mummy's & daddy's who have also lost a precious angel... sadly too many!!


Louis Alexander Santry

Born 20th February passed away 21st February 2006

beautiful little boy to Sandra (Sands)



Aimee... precious baby girl born too soon, 3rd Aug 2007.















Isle of Wight 25.8.06  


Barrie & i went to the I.O.W for a few days break to celebrate our first anniversay of meeting & my birthday.
We had such a fantastic time with glorious weather.
Whilst we were there we met with Bev & Clive Bax & there beautiful girls Scarlett, Candice & Pearl.
Bev & Clive sadly lost they're beautiful baby boy, Harvey,  to the angels.

We both joined SANDS & thanks to them & our precious little angels we were able to meet & have been able to support each other in our grief.



harvey-bax.memory-of.com


Useful Links:  
SANDS Forum                                  http://p067.ezboard.com/bsandssupport
SANDS Main Site                             http://www.uk-sands.org/
SE London SANDS                          http://www.selsands.org.uk/
Baby loss                                            www.babyloss.com/ 
Action on Pre-eclampsia                 http://www.apec.org.uk/
www.bonniebabies.co.uk

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